2. Grand Old Wo/Man 
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name? 
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about. 

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite 
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant. 

4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial 
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart. 

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat 
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often 
hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking. 

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph 
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool... DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them. 

7. Corporate Closet Witch 
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas." 
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos. 

8. Childe Ov Kaos 
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. 
If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping. 

9. Pagan Celebrity 
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know. 

10. Scary Devil Worshipper 
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner.  At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar,it would be wise to stay far away. 

11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life 
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: 
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet. 

12. Ravin' Pagan 
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum. 

13. Fairie Queen 
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time... DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie! 

14. High Episcopagan 
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley. 
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare. 

15. Fundamentapagan 
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/Old Norse/Latin/Babylonian. 

16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits. 
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the Pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties. 

17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness 
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention-attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated. 

18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering 
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles 
when anyone says the words "masochist," or "whining". 

19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment) 
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes.  Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of spaceship. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good. 

20. Het-Case 
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a Goddess and a God and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depiction's of 
satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.) 

21. Norse Code 
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battleaxe in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks. 

22. Pentacles, Inc. 
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard? DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.  

* * *

Caffeine is my shepherd

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal -
For thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

* * * 

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

 How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

 How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

 How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

 How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen.  One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

 How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

 How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

 How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  They LIKE the dark.

 How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

 How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

 How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

 How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be tiny witches!

How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Witches don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Circles!

* * * 

WHAT IS YOUR HORRORSCOPE?

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18:  You are progressive.   You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.  Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20:  You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA.  You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.  You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.

ARIES MAR 21 - APRIL 19:  You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.  You like having sex in crowds and switching up on partners.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20:  You are practical and persistent.  You have lots of determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are a snob and bullheaded.  You are nothing but a goddamn communist, who loves oral sex.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20:  You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.  This means you are a cheap  bastard.  Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22:  You are sympathetic and understanding of others problems.  They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.  This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22:  You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are a pussy.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.  Most Leos have herpes.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22:  You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nit-picking is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing.  Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22:  You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic.  Most Libra women are whores.  All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted.  You will screw anything from a witch to a wizard. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.  Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21:  You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no  talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads.
People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19:   You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You are basically chicken-shit.  There was never a Capricorn of any importance.  You should kill yourself.
 

* * * 

* * *